We hate your blog.

April 23, 2010

We hate Botulism Blogs

We hate Botulism Blog, top to bottom.#

1. WE HATE your alarmism. We bunkered up in our home and convinced our local police to expel Canadians during the SARS scare. We shotgunned thousands of robins, larks, chickens, swallows, pigeons, quail, pheasant, turkeys, egrets, sandhill cranes, great blue herons, hawks (red-tailed, mostly, but some banded, too), penguins, ptarmigan, finches, parakeets, cockatoos, parrots, cockatiels (very satisfying), ostriches (ostrii?), emus (just to be safe, we weren’t sure they were birds), eagles, gulls, pelicans, flamingos, doves, nightingales, owls (barn, great horned, spotted (when we found them)), flying fish and squirrels (again, just to be safe), salamanders (at this point, why not), bluebirds, blue jays, cardinals, yellow-headed blackbirds, red-winged blackbirds (they have red on them), crows, ravens, and a couple of neighborhood kids during Bird Flu. You don’t even want to know what we did for H1N1. And now we read that we just generally always have to be on the look out for botulism. Botulism. It doesn’t sounds that bad, really. In fact, we think we’d be kind of edgy if we had all the botulism.

2. WE HATE your anti-uneviscerated fish agenda. What, do you actually work for Gorton‘s? For Red Lobster? Some people like their viscera. It just sounds appetizing. Mmmm. Viscera. Sauteed with some butter and shallots….That’s a meal, Botulism Blog, a darn tasty meal.

Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads. Fish heads fish heads, eat them up, yum!*

3. WE HATE your misconceptions. Here is your description of the symptoms associated with the “deadly” botulism: “general weakness, dizziness, double-vision and trouble with speaking or swallowing. Difficulty in breathing, weakness of other muscles, abdominal distension and constipation may also be common symptoms.”**

That’s called being drunk. Tippled. Schnockered. All lit up. We think you may have tied one on at the office Christmas party, Botulism Blog, gotten a little freaked out after both those apple-tinis, cruised WebMD, and figured out that you had “botulism,” and became the anti-uneviscerated fish crusader that you are today.

4. WE HATE that you warn people not to eat something called “boiled horse mackerel.” If you eat boiled horse anything, you deserve what you get.

5. WE HATE that we’ll be thinking of this blog this fall when we’re canning things from our garden, things like: tomatoes, artichokes, asparagus, elderberries,  tomatilloes, uneviscerated fish.

#All material on this website is intended for satirical purposes. We don’t, nor do we intend, to make any money off of this endeavor, only to make jokes that make us laugh, and possibly you as well. We are(n’t) serious. I don’t really wish harm upon eaters of boiled horse mackerel. If your small, spongy, solipsistic minds can’t grasp that, and you think that we’re actually attacking you, or mean anything we say in this blog, then you are a nincompoop, and we feel bad for you. We’re not talking to you, Botulism Blog (unless you think we are), but to the other, few ignorami (ignoramuses?) who harassed our writers, their families, and generally all of humanity. They are blindingly stupid, and we truly do hate them. The world is a worse place for having them in it.

*”Fish Heads” is a novelty song by comedy rock duo Barnes and Barnes, featured on their 1980 album Voobaha. Use of the lyrics to their song is entirely without their permission or knowledge. It is possible that they wouldn’t support our use of their lyrics. The lyrics are intended for satirical purposes only, and we make no money as a result of having used said lyrics. If Barnes and Barnes are offended, we apologize.

**Use of a direct quotation from the website of Botulism Blog is entirely without their permission or knowledge. It is possible that Botulism Blog wouldn’t support our use of their quote. The quote is intended for satirical purposes only, and we make no money as a result of having used said quote. If Botulism Blog is offended, we apologize.

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April 16, 2010

Pssst.

Filed under: Uncategorized — The Gosford of James @ 12:33 pm

[We still hate your blog.]

Ssshhhhh.

April 2, 2010

We hate hating.

Filed under: Uncategorized — wehateyourblog @ 6:35 pm

We love your blog. We’ve turned a corner in our sessions. Thank you. Thank you all.

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